Now We are 5(0)

I haven’t blogged in the longest time as there doesn’t seem much to say.  Been dealing with physical limitations that drive me to pain and distraction that I do not care to write about.  I have friends I can talk to and I appreciate more than just about anything else I can name…but in the end I realize, there’s only ever just me…and a lot of my recovery depends upon me clearing headspace in my head and in my life for things of importance to me.

Need to be writing more.  Need to be arting more.  Need to be more involved in an arts forum or community.  It’s funny (ironic) that I consider myself to be an artist, yet have relegated my art to that of a hobby.  I do not know when this change occurred.  I don’t know when I became so involved in “work/job” to the detriment of my artistic/spiritual/physical self.  Don’t know when I started worrying more about safety and security over creativity.

Now I am 50 and I feel the weight of the last 10 years lying heavy on my heart.  All the time wasted working for others, bettering their lives and pockets while sticking my own true heart on a back shelf behind the crock pot and the dusty, left over tags and bows from former Christmases I always managed not to use up during the season.  No.  This year I am re-finding myself.  That is the goal.  I want to unwrap the years and re-find the me that is stifled inside.  I want to know, when I go to take that long dirt nap, that I didn’t fritter away all the time given me.  I want to leave this plane w/ a sense of accomplishment.

I do not kid myself that this will be an easy process…or even one with out pain.  One of the first hurdles will be learning to have the faith to put it out there…to trust in my talents and to trust in me.  All those worries:  “Am I good enough?”  “What if they don’t like me?”  “What if I fail?”  I may fail.  I may not be liked.  But I’ll never know if I don’t try. 

It’s the process of how we talk to ourselves…it really is so much simpler convincing ourself we can’t do something, when the simple fact remains…we’ll never know until we try.  So this is my year for trying and effort.  For the struggle to re-define me.  To discover whether or not I really have what it takes or if indeed it is even what I want at all.  And that, that right there is the goal.  To find what I really want and to go for it.